FOUND: Three Twist Ties
FINDER: Unknown
DATE: 1/13/21-1/19/21
DESCRIPTION: One 14” twist tie – red. One 10” twist tie – yellow. One 8” twist tie - black.
ORIGIN: Unknown.
CIRCUMSTANCE: Over the course of a week in January, these items were found on the property. Yellow and black at the door to the back deck. Red on the side door step. All human members of the household deny any knowledge of these items, citing their extreme length (“who needs a fourteen inch twist tie? Like, for what?”).
Feline residents ran away from debrief and hid under couch.
INTERVIEW: All three items were separated for individual debriefing.
Red twist tie remains quite uncomfortable at the base, and could not speak coherently because of the tightly wound wire there. However, attempts to relieve the kink resulted in screams that “she won’t like it!” and requests to not “make it worse” because “you humans are terrible sadists.”
Yellow twist tie denies any culpability for both Red’s discomfort and her placement at the back door. However, she was heard giggling in a way one human resident described as “maniacal” when Stormy retrieved Red and Black from the top of the dresser and started batting them around. According to the report, the giggling stopped when Siena swiped her to the floor and used her as a toy, screaming that this is not her “thing.”
Black twist tie does not want to touch either one of the other two, and requested a separate photo, which was denied because he’s an inanimate object and has no business making demands. After the photo, he tried to edge away from the other two, but had no actual musculoskeletal system to do so. When agents moved him far away, he mentioned a desire to stay where he could “see them…just to keep an eye out, you know.” Lack of eyes notwithstanding, we saw no downside to shifting him over a few inches.
PROCEDURE: There is little intel to gather. Lost Intarsia Sock claims he does not know them personally, and tried to be helpful, saying their particular kinks were familiar, though “not his.”
CONCLUSION: The ties could be new but have probably (literally) been around the block a few times, making a second use unsanitary. However, the cats like to bat them under the closet door, then reach under to claw at them. Therefore, when not being used, their place shall be on the dresser, with Yellow on top of Red, close enough for Black to watch.