FOUND: Pink Octopus
FINDER: Stormy
DATE: 3/13/21
DESCRIPTION: Pink and white stuffed octopus with tongue sticking out, looking hard left at a white tag that says “legend sandy” in black, lowercase san-serif letters.
ORIGIN: West side of [REDACTED] Street.”
CIRCUMSTANCE: As of March 1st, residents keep the front door open to facilitate airflow. Stormy was seen dropping Pink Octopus on the porch before coming inside. By the time rescue teams retrieved the item, Stormy could not sit for questioning as he had eaten lunch and was engaging in a nap.
INTERVIEW: Though Pink Octopus appears outwardly female, he identifies male. Please note for the record, this item uses the pronouns he/him, and we will call him Octo, as requested.
Once gender identification was established and dehydration resulting from an exposed tongue was ameliorated, the interview proceeded without incident.
Consistent with the known intelligence of octopi, this item has outstanding recall as compared to other found specimens. For this reason, we are presenting a transcript instead of an abstract. Since Octo’s verbal articulation was affected by the jutting tongue, this interview has been edited for clarity.
AGENT: Can you describe where you were the night before the incident?
OCTO: Crammed with my Basket Fam on the Trinket Farm o’er the breaking Bag O’Yarn.
AGENT: Does this Trinket Farm operation have a geographical location?
OCTO: The basket of mascots where I was extracted is o’er that way, just the other side of [REDACTED]. See, we don’t feel heat, because we’re not made of meat but when there’s rain, our stitches strain, while those on the bottom maintain dry cotton.
AGENT: So the rain on Trinket Farm caused the Basket Fam harm?
OCTO: Also the Bag O’Yarn under was torn nearly asunder. See, the Fam’s basket’s wicker which is quite a bit thicker, while the yarn’s bag got sicker, it’s just brown paper.
AGENT: Describe the caper.
OCTO: I was on top of the fam, the way that I like, getting wet as an otter then…psyche! A furry grey monster with teeth in his maw snatched me off of the heap with his sharp white claws. He bit legend sandy and toyed with my suckers. Though my job is to protect those Basket Fam fuckers, he took me here and left me to die, and so honestly I’ll tell you, I’m not gonna lie, I feel overwhelming fear, even now that I’m dry.
PROCEDURE: Operational tactics cannot be assigned until officers and agents stop rhyming each line.